Moving forward

Dear Diary,

As part of my recovery, I need to lead a more holistically balanced lifestyle, where my thoughts need to be more in-line for this to be achieved. I’d firstly like to express my gratitude towards all my friends past & present, for having put up with me! I’ve often been selfish, thoughtless, a tad outspoken or hidden away, cutting myself off. I would like to say a big thank you to you all for havingĀ been there. I cannot enunciate how grateful I am to have been or currently be part of your lives.

For those friends I have lost, or pushed away, I shed a tear. I fucked up so many times in a variety of ways, thinking purely of myself, overreacting to a number of events, all too quick to burn bridges, running away. I will endeavour to be more mindful of how I am & sincerely hope that I may be forgiven for my transgressions.

Rather than over-analysis and rumination, I will also endeavour to move forward rather than back. I know that I need assistance in this process of healing within myself, it’s extremely hard for me to be open and reach out, tending to isolate myself, I will slowly change that.

Whilst I’ve made many mistakes, I’m not a bad person at heart; I’ve had issues in communicating with others, often feeling awkward, which has muddied the waters leading to a multitude of misunderstandings. I’ve struggled, often being overreactionary in my response, stemming from defensive, or rather defective, mechanisms whilst growing up, perhaps externalising or transferring my self-image onto others.

I am starting to take more responsibility for myself, my words, actions and so on. If I’m not doing so, please tell me. I’m not always the most observant person, so bringing it to my attention will more precisely aid my recalibration of self.

I think I’d better finish here, as I could go on for quite a while. Over analysis is something best left to the side. Look at it, acknowledge it, learn and move onward. It’s so fucking hard to not do so, but baby steps, Kelvin, baby steps.

Kelvin. x

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